Tree rings

The age of a tree is measured by the number of rings in its bark. In a lot of ways, it represents the human relationship. At its core, tree rings always start with a small but yet, very defined circle. Rings like these are like family and friends, the truly important ones that matter. They maybe small in numbers but they are the most significant.

Tree rings expand in diameter and move outwardly. These outer rings, some maybe defined and the others, could be easily missed. These seem like the many other circles in our lives – acquaintances, co-workers, common interest cliques and the list goes on.

Tree rings change according to seasons, rainfall and foreign infestation. Every ring varies in terms of depth, colour and definition but the most stable and predictable pattern is, it keeps growing as it ages.

And very much like life, our circles grow, for better or for worst, along the years of our life. However, every once in awhile, there are individuals so unique that I am unsure where to plot them. Too few to form a ring of its own, too strong to be only be vague line but yet, too temporary to be a defined one.

In life, there are chance encounters that turned into something more. People, whom we allowed to enter our lives, let them stay and then, had to let them leave. Echoing a lesson from The Little Prince, people to whom we let ourselves be ‘tamed’ and suddenly, we are no longer the hundred thousand other little boys. We became unique in the entire world to this person, and vice versa.

How do we explain the reasons we allowed ourselves to grow onto someone and then, due to circumstances, grow out of them? How do we account all those real emotions that were once so strong and real but dissolved into nothing after being diluted by time?

So, where do these people belong? Specks, spots or scars along these lines?

Friends, lovers, family, acquaintances. It’s easy to forget the many circles we have in our life, especially when we are overwhelmed with the endless to-dos. However, these people are somehow, more profound. When it is all done and over, we can only pack our hearts and seal them up, hope the next one that comes along wouldn’t be such a hassle. These people will be nothing more than a distant memory that may or may not tug at our hearts, just like the specks, spots or scars that marred the tree rings of our life.   

A suitcase full of dreams - Prelude

I was very lucky to embark on a 2-week travel to Europe. The plan was to fly to Orly Paris via Air Asia, take a 7-hour train journey up north, passing through Belgium to The Netherlands. However, the opportunity to go on this trip is possible only because of the support I receive from my family and friends. 

This trip had revitalized myself and I think, in a way, it was very good for the soul. 

Thus, the prelude to my Euro postings will be one of gratitude. I owe this trip to the people who loved me the most and wished the best for me. 

Back in KL after 6 days in Taiping for CNY

I seriously contemplated on not going back to Taiping this year's CNY for some rather, petty reasons now that I am in reflection mode. But I am glad I did. The reasons are nothing short of family - my parents and my ailing grandfather. This year, I am glad to say that I escaped the exodus at both time of traveling - to and fro. I was in fact, back a few days in advance for CNY but unfortunately, I did not do much.

Well, Chinese astrologers say that the year of the Rabbit is a year of reflection and solitude. Well, sounds good to me as I have always been a dreamer. I like to reflect and try to put myself back on track on whatever's been derailed. 

Sad to say, my Masters studies have been seriously derailed since last Dec. I have no more excuses but to get back on track. I have also been lucky to score a couple of freelance stints and I should really get into it.

There are many big things to look forward this year. The possibility of finishing my Masters, if I were to get back on track soon and then, the big trip to Europe in July. 

I am finally happy at where I am - work and relationship. But my recent trip back home made me realized that I should be doing more for my family. Something tells me, time won't be as kind to me as it used to be. 

Finally, I want to blog more and get back into writing as much as I can. 

While siblings may all fell from the same tree, many fail to understand that they may necessary not be the same. Along the years of growing up, my brothers and I somehow adopt different values system that sometimes, may be in conflict towards each other. What's worse is, none of us wants to acknowledge that we are indeed, all different. 

Fortitude

I am learning to not whine and just bite the bullet in whatever I am doing now. Oblivious of my outcome, but I just need to see this through.

Mille-feuille

I have a terrible weakness to keep track with the things I need to do. One moment, I have the thought that I need to do something. The next five minutes, something else will come along and steal that thought away.

I was driving to work today. And suddenly, my mind brought me back to a precious piece of memory of my very young days with my mother. My mom was a stay-at-home mom, never had much education, got married and devoted the rest of her 20 – 30s to raising three kids.

That memory, ever so precious was those long afternoons with her. We would play hide and seek in the house and I would tag along with her wherever she goes out in my dad’s old Toyota. That piece of memory also has a colour. It’s in sepia. It’s almost lost if not for the time-wasting, gut-wrenching traffic that I have to endure each time I drive to work.

Then, I also sometimes think about my youngest brother, who is now 20 years old. Sometimes, my memories of him as a child is so vivid that even today, my dreams can involuntarily bring me back to the days of him in the 5 year old whiny, spoilt brat.

These memories come in blocks. It is like a photograph of a particular time and place and then, it flips to the next. Again, it’s always uncontrollable. The next fragment could be ten years forward and my younger brother will be in his teens, getting into trouble and I am accompanying my mother to his school for a meeting with the discipline teacher.

As I write this piece, another significant fragment is of my university days. A piece of it is the first day of university where I have fallen sick because my body was rejecting the big change during that phase of life. I lie on the bed, alone in an old dorm in a hot sweltering afternoon. The old bed, soiled by many previous occupants, youths like me, who came to university to pursue an education, wishing for a better life ahead. I wonder how many of them have the better lives they wanted? Fast forward three years later, as I was driving out of Penang with everything I have at the back of the car, thinking (1) What just happened during the last three years? (2) Why aren’t any popping up to remind me one little bit of those days?

The mind is such an amazing invention. Each memory is weaved beneath layer and layer. Mille-feuille. That’s how the French would say A thousand leaves. And they pop out just when you least expect it.

Tonight, I am struggling to complete my first module and this month, I am also struggling to make ends meet. I tried to score a few hours of sleep before I work on my assignment but my mind were filled with horrid images of myself, mutilating myself. So, instead of slumber, I turn to writing.

For close to one year now, I am still unable to settle into a regime. Everyday is a mess as I cope to finish one task from the never-ending to-do list. The situation I am in now is even reflected each time I have to pack. I always bring more than intended. My shoulders are always heavy and my hands are always full. And it doesn’t help when random messy thoughts are popping out all the time.

I will need divine intervention to help me out – at least for my first module.

The World On Perfect Axis

There are many reasons why I love yoga. First, the only form of competition that exists is only between me and my body. The whole idea of who's better and faster ceased to exist in the very same room between participants or level. Second, I like being able to see improvement each time in terms of flexibility and strength. Finally, it's the best way to listen to my body. Yoga takes a lot of energy as you converse to your own body to just reach out a little bit more or hold on a little bit more. 

My passion for yoga is very much reflected on my views on life. That, life should be lived according to each individual terms. I walked around a lot with the notion that I am putting something on hold now. Perhaps, its the idea that I am doing my Masters. Perhaps its that I am taking life a little easier by not committing to a full time job. Perhaps its the restrictions and adjustments I need to make each time according to my own limits. But whatever it is, I do feel that a part of my life is on hold. 


My arrangement with my job allows me to have Tues and Thurs completely to myself. I usually dedicate these days to my freelance writings and reading in my university. It is an amazing feeling when you have full days to yourself doing only the things that you want. This fact scares me a little as this privilege will need to run out eventually. 


Yesterday, I spent my whole day reading and writing again. The place where I choose to sit each time I am in the KL campus faces the grand Pavilion mall. I watched the world go by in the bustling street below but yet, I was in a place so sane and still. I took my time to read (Breathe in, breathe out), I walked around when my brain is too tired (Breathe in, breathe out) and I basked in the sunlight streaming in (Breathe in, breathe out). 


At that point, I begun to count all my blessings. My opportunity to be able to go back to school again because of my parents. I have someone special who is always there for me. I have a strong network of university friends who understands and supports each other. I have time extension for my assignment. I have the resources to complete it. 

That moment, I felt like I was performing a challenging yoga position. Being able to tune the body to tip on that note in perfect balance. 


Everything about that moment made my world felt like it was finally, on a perfect axis.